Friday, April 9, 2010

Holy Dissatisfaction

I’m not satisfied. I’m not content. I want more. I need more. I’m not satisfied with a lot of things. I’m not satisfied with my weight. I’m not content with my cardiovascular condition. I know I can be a better husband and father. I wish I wasn’t so enthralled by cookies. I want more time to write a blog. There are projects to do around the house. I’m not content with a lot of things in my life. But, that is not what I’m writing about now.

I’m not satisfied because I want more of Jesus in my life. I’m not content with where I am. I know there is so much more that I can have of Jesus. I wish my prayer time was deeper. I want to recognize Him more in my life. I need Him to do more transforming work in my life. Elizabeth Prentiss shares my longing, “More love to Thee, O Christ, more love to Thee!”

Paul wrote in Philippians 3:8, “Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.” I read this and I realize how far I have to go. I want more of You, Jesus. I know there is more. Paul had more and I am envious.

Jesus, I want more of You. You ask me to abide in You as You abide in me. Will you let me draw closer to You, Jesus? I desire more of Your intimacy. I need more of You in my life. I want to be like Mary Magdalene at Your resurrection and cling to You. I want to run off in glee and tell others about You. I want to live a life where others see that I am intoxicated with You. Not in a superficial almost fake way but in a deep way where they notice something completely different about me-where they then look at my life and will want the same. They will want You, Jesus, as well.

Jesus, I need You. I yearn to be that person who delights in prayer, who is a spiritual prayer warrior. I want to see more of you when I read your Word. I want more of You in me as I try to be a better dad and husband. I want Christy and the boys to see You in my life.

Jesus, I’m not content, and yet I realize that the problem is not on Your end but on my end. I write these words of deep desire, and I know that I am going to struggle to have this same passion during the day. Why is this so hard? Why do I lose sight of You? How often do I look at my own wants and forget the gift of Your presence to fill those wants. Lord, I recognize I fall into the trap of the self-focused, selfish, it’s-all-about-me life. Then when You give me those good gifts, I am apt to fall in love with the gifts instead of the Giver. I’ve had enough.

Jesus, change me. Please do in me what I cannot do. I want to do it, but I know if it was up to me I would fail. Jesus, I feel like an addict when I am writing this. No, I am. A sin addict. I keep coming again and again and wanting this time for it to really stick. Why can’t I live on the mountaintop or at least the hills? Why do I keep going down into the valleys?

Jesus, I want You. I need You. Just as John the Baptist said, “He must increase, I must decrease.” So Lord, I pray the prayer of David in Psalm 43:

Send out your light and your truth;

let them lead me;

let them bring me to your holy hill

and to your dwelling!
Then I will go to the altar of God,

to God my exceeding joy,

and I will praise you with the lyre,
O God, my God.

God, You are my exceeding joy. Bring me to You. Lead me to You. And help me to embrace You even more. I want to be satisfied. I want to be content. More of You, Jesus. Please, more of you!

The image above is of Christ and St. Bernard by Francisco Ribalta, early 17th century.


  1. I'm in the valley with you but at least We're looking up and not down. Sometimes we just have to be content with the manna he gives us and rest in His arms. Sometimes we must take up His sword and fight for Him. The trouble is knowing which to do and when to do them.

  2. I agree. Longing for Jesus and being found by him in a deeper way is a holy desire. The thing I find that blocks me is finding Jesus in the present moment and abiding in Him. If I can do more of that, I believe I will be more content in Him.