Holy Dissatisfaction

I’m not satisfied. I’m not content. I want more. I need more. I’m not satisfied with a lot of things. I’m not satisfied with my weight. I’m not content with my cardiovascular condition. I know I can be a better husband and father. I wish I wasn’t so enthralled by cookies. I want more time to write a blog. There are projects to do around the house. I’m not content with a lot of things in my life. But, that is not what I’m writing about now.

I’m not satisfied because I want more of Jesus in my life. I’m not content with where I am. I know there is so much more that I can have of Jesus. I wish my prayer time was deeper. I want to recognize Him more in my life. I need Him to do more transforming work in my life. Elizabeth Prentiss shares my longing, “More love to Thee, O Christ, more love to Thee!”

Paul wrote in Philippians 3:8, “Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.” I read this and I realize how far I have to go. I want more of You, Jesus. I know there is more. Paul had more and I am envious.

Jesus, I want more of You. You ask me to abide in You as You abide in me. Will you let me draw closer to You, Jesus? I desire more of Your intimacy. I need more of You in my life. I want to be like Mary Magdalene at Your resurrection and cling to You. I want to run off in glee and tell others about You. I want to live a life where others see that I am intoxicated with You. Not in a superficial almost fake way but in a deep way where they notice something completely different about me-where they then look at my life and will want the same. They will want You, Jesus, as well.

Jesus, I need You. I yearn to be that person who delights in prayer, who is a spiritual prayer warrior. I want to see more of you when I read your Word. I want more of You in me as I try to be a better dad and husband. I want Christy and the boys to see You in my life.

Jesus, I’m not content, and yet I realize that the problem is not on Your end but on my end. I write these words of deep desire, and I know that I am going to struggle to have this same passion during the day. Why is this so hard? Why do I lose sight of You? How often do I look at my own wants and forget the gift of Your presence to fill those wants. Lord, I recognize I fall into the trap of the self-focused, selfish, it’s-all-about-me life. Then when You give me those good gifts, I am apt to fall in love with the gifts instead of the Giver. I’ve had enough.

Jesus, change me. Please do in me what I cannot do. I want to do it, but I know if it was up to me I would fail. Jesus, I feel like an addict when I am writing this. No, I am. A sin addict. I keep coming again and again and wanting this time for it to really stick. Why can’t I live on the mountaintop or at least the hills? Why do I keep going down into the valleys?

Jesus, I want You. I need You. Just as John the Baptist said, “He must increase, I must decrease.” So Lord, I pray the prayer of David in Psalm 43:

Send out your light and your truth;

let them lead me;

let them bring me to your holy hill

and to your dwelling!
Then I will go to the altar of God,

to God my exceeding joy,

and I will praise you with the lyre,
O God, my God.

God, You are my exceeding joy. Bring me to You. Lead me to You. And help me to embrace You even more. I want to be satisfied. I want to be content. More of You, Jesus. Please, more of you!

The image above is of Christ and St. Bernard by Francisco Ribalta, early 17th century.