If You Like Squirrels, Please Don't Read Further

That’s it. I’ve had it. I don’t care what PETA says, I’m through with them. I have decided to be both judge and jury. The case is both clear and condemning. I think you will agree when you hear everything. SQUIRRELS MUST BE ERADICATED!

How dare they wreck my bird-watching enjoyment! They have eaten the bird food. Think of all those starving baby birds! The bag of seed is clearly labeled, don’t worry I’ve triple-checked it, it says bird seed. There is nothing about squirrels being allowed to dine in as well.

And I’ve been nice to them despite the fact that they mock me. I’ve only thrown snowballs at them. I’ve greased the bird feeder pole with olive oil so that they could smell good. Through it all they still have received seed and water even through the coldest of months. I think this alone should allow me to be a Franciscan for such divine love to these furry creatures. Do you hear me God, I’m trying to be nice!

Let’s face it, they are rats in trees! And it is a well-known fact that rats carried insects that carried bubonic plague. Who knows what these rodents are carrying? Think of our poor trees. The indignity they suffer. Something must be done.

I was doing OK with my issues with squirrel rage until a few weeks ago. As many of you know, I was working outside on my sermon, when a squirrel pooped on my head. Can you believe that? There, up in the tree, were two squirrels. One with a set of binoculars shouting orders to another squirrel that was locked and loaded. I didn’t hear it at first but now I remember this clearly. I could hear the squirrel screaming, “A little to the left. Compensate for the wind, wait, just a little higher. OK, bombs away.” I can still see those squirrels up there rolling around and laughing as they were giving high fives to each other.

Despite the prank, I was good. I brought my issues before the throne. I begged for God to give me a forgiving heart. I know He wanted me to love even my enemies, so I asked for that love.

A friend even gave me a pair of squirrel underwear to help the situation. I tried to get the squirrels to come over so that I could help them put the underwear on. But they wouldn’t come over. I am trying, Lord, can’t you see, I’m trying!

But one last event was the straw that broke the camels’ back. I’m done. Revenge will be mine. I was driving my car when I smelled burning wood. I stopped to look in the engine and noticed some twigs and leaves. Some squirrel decided my car was the best choice for a mobile home. I know he wanted to see the world, but, c’mon, it’s my car. He even ate some of the insulation. He almost wrecked my car.

Can you believe this? I ask you, what have I done to deserve such abuse?

Still, I am a man who does his best to search the Scriptures as a guide for life. During these trying and turbulent times, I have landed on Psalm 69. I have committed some of the verses to prayer and I’m praying them back to God. Some of you might be thinking, I was speaking of verse 7 which reads, “For it is for Your sake that I have borne reproach, that dishonor has covered my face.” I have thought a lot about these verses and they encourage me, but the verses I had in mind were verses 23-24, “Let their eyes be darkened, so that they cannot see, and make their loins tremble continually. Pour out your indignation upon them, and let your burning anger overtake them.” That’s more like it.

When I told my struggles to my neighbor, he offered to let me use his pellet gun. It was very kind, but I told him I was looking for something bigger. I had a cannon in mind.

I have also thought about buying some C-4. I think mixing it with peanut butter will be very enticing. I would put these little dainty treats all over the yard and wait for them to bring them back to their nests. Just thinking about what might happen next gives me a smile. I have wonderful pictures of Caddyshack in my head.

Some other thoughts and suggestions have come. I could attach an open wire to the bird bath and then wait for them to drink. Zzzz, it would be just like the flies hitting those electric lamps. I also could catch them in a trap and put them in a cardboard boat down the Connecticut River. Preferably, a boat that has a hole in it.

I have thought about what to do for a few days now. Yet nothing I come up with is good enough. To be honest, I don’t want to get rid of them, I WANT THEM TO SUFFER! Thus the blog, I was hoping you could help me on two things. First, can you sign a complaint that I will forward to our Congress. They must have the power to do something. Also, I am looking for suggestions about what to do? How would you make them suffer?